Coping With Grief

By: Casket Direct  
  
Here are some commonly asked questions about grief, which have been answered by the grief-counselling experts at the Australian Centre for Grief and Bereavement.

How long will I feel this way?
The journey through grief is a highly individual experience. Rather than focus on a time line it is perhaps more helpful to focus on its intensity and duration. Initially grief is overwhelming and people can feel out of control. With time people find they have more ability to choose when they access memories and emotions. The intensity of grief is related to the degree of attachment to the person, relationship to the deceased, level of understanding and social support from others, personality and the nature of the bereavement.

Am I going mad?
It may certainly feel like it at times! Particularly if your need to grieve is out of step with social and cultural expectations. Grief affects people physically, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually. People may be required to make adjustments to their lives and learn new skills, at a time when they feel least able to do so. Receiving validation and permission to grieve is important in the recovery and healing process.

Do I have the right to inflict this on others? What can I expect of them and what should they expect of me?
Others may feel intensely uncomfortable with the emotion and the pain of the bereaved to the point of feeling helpless. The anxiety this causes may mean that the bereaved person might feel they are being avoided – thereby increasing their feelings of isolation. It is important that the grieving person is assertive about their needs and wishes, and it is helpful if they communicate with family, friends, and colleagues rather than leave them guessing about what would be useful and comforting. Never underestimate the power of listening and being a warm presence. There are no magic words or actions. Trust your ability to care taking into account your relationship with the person you are trying to help.

Are there right and wrong ways to cope with grief?
People are individuals with personalities and life experiences that influence the way in which they deal with grief. People's style of grieving must be respected and in this sense there is no right or wrong way of coping. However it is generally believed that the amount of support people receive can ameliorate some of the impact of grief and facilitate recovery. People often have an awareness about what they need to do to feel better but feel inhibited or judged and don't act on their inclinations. Talking about what is happening, what they are going through, expressing emotion and being in a supportive and accepting environment is generally helpful. Both religious and cultural factors may impact upon a person’s feelings of "right" or "wrong ways" to deal with their grief.

How do I know when I need help?
Reassurance from others who have also experienced grief will help you feel less alone, and having an understanding of what other people have experienced when grieving can be a good way to measure your own progress. Any continued fears or anxieties about your well-being or thoughts of self-harm should be addressed by seeking help. Prolonged intense emotion or obsessive thought or behaviour that makes functioning difficult may also require help.

Stages of grief
Grief does not follow a linear pattern. It is more like a roller coaster, two steps forward and one step back. Ultimately people manage to integrate their experience, this can feel a bit like having a new life arising out of the old. The loss remains and is always remembered, but the intensity decreases to a point where it is no longer disabling or disorganising.

A big part of grieving is expressing emotion - some may be unfamiliar, and unacceptable to yourself or others, e.g. anger, guilt, remorse. So finding a safe place and an accepting person for support to help you work through all the effects of bereavement is important. The amount of support available from family and friends may be limited if they too are grieving, and misunderstandings can arise when people experience different responses to a shared loss. External supports may then become a vital factor in understanding and expressing your grief. It is important to know that you can survive the experience and that the new life that eventually comes about may have very positive effects despite the difficulty of arriving at this point.

Will counselling help me?
It is important to remember that grief is a normal response to loss, and that most people work through this loss with the loving support of family and friends. However, there are a variety of situations where it may be necessary to seek professional help in the form of counselling. Counselling may initially intensify painful feelings as the external distractions are removed, and you focus on your experiences and explore them fully. People who are grieving may need to talk about their story over and over again and are often concerned about the 'wear out' factor on family and friends, especially if details are very distressing. Equally they may find that others have unrealistic expectations of their recovery or experiences. Where people have to continue on in roles as parents or carers, counselling can provide valuable time-out for their own need to grieve and receive support. A supportive, safe and accepting environment and time set aside regularly can make a great difference. It can provide much needed comfort and hope during a time of great confusion and crisis.

Ten Ways to Help the Bereaved

• Be present and attentive to the bereaved person.
• Allow space for moments of silence and reflection.
• Listen in a non-judgmental and accepting way.
• Avoid the use of clichés such as 'Think of all the good times', 'You can always have another child'.
• Mention the deceased person's name and encourage the bereaved person to talk about them.
• Offer practical and emotional support e.g. by minding children or cooking a meal.
• Understand that tears are normal and healthy part of the grieving process.
• Don't try to fill in conversations with a lot of outside news.
• Remember that grief may take years to work through.
• Acknowledge anniversaries and dates of significance for the bereaved person.

The information above has been provided courtesy of the Australian Centre for Grief and Bereavement.

Important - Read This: This information is intended to provide general information only which may not be applicable to your particular circumstances.  You agree to access this information at your own risk and that First Point Media is not liable to you for the content of the information or any reliance by you on this information.